TOP 10 WAYS FOR RAYMART TO ESCAPE THE TULFO BROS WRATH

After watching the "Thrilla in NAIA" video and the "Tulfo Brothers statement", I have listed ten things for "Mr. Raymart Santiago" to ponder upon. Read on:

10. Ask big brother "Randy Santiago" to serenade the Tulfo brothers so he can croon to their favorite songs. Just don't include his hit "Tuloy pa rin", he's there to entertain 'em & not tick 'em off again. I suggest him to remove his shades randomly!

9. Take their word for it, stay out of airports and do something that would be good for you. I know you wouldn't want to be involved in another scuffle, with the roles probably reversed this time 'round. Try a ferry ride!

8. Stay indoors and skip the routine malling on weekends or dinner at some posh restaurants. You never know when they will make an appearance. They've got eyes in the back of their heads!

7. Convince "Mother Lily" to purchase the rights to produce a movie based on their life story. Let brother "Rowell Santiago" handle the director duties so he can cast you as one of the villains. A big-screen project for everyone!

6. Take the cue from fellow "Kapuso" star "Cesar Montano" who has caught the "Tulfo" brothers' ire not a long time ago. Try to extract some tips on how he was able to pacify 'em and how he was able to make the issues between 'em subside. Please Buboy!

5. In exchange for his safety, he can gather some exclusive tips and information about notorious crooks and shenanigans including their operations. Then he can provide the brothers with leads, that may be vital in their expose. 100% credibility!

4. You're darn lucky if Senator "Miriam Defensor Santiago" would happen to be a long-lost relative. Only she is capable to counter the "Tulfo" brothers' "berserker  barrage". Make the connection now!

3. Force wifey "Claudine Barreto" to make amends with older sister Gretchen. This is a no brainer call. La Greta's partner is Mr. "Tony Boy Cojuangco", who just so happens to be "Pres. Noynoy's" second cousin. Blood is thicker than water!

2. Do the infamous "Pontius Pilate" deed. Put all the blame in your "ground and pound" companion. Make that "guy in the pink shirt" the ultimate instigator, the outlaw, the bad guy, or in other words, the fall guy. No one identifies him in the video anyway!

1. Make the big switch. It's time to defect to TV5 Network. Now you can pray and wait for the "MVP intervention" since you will be a "Kapatid" with the Tulfo brothers. As the saying goes: If you can't beat 'em, JOIN 'EM!!  

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TOP 10 THINGS TO WIN THE BATTLE WITH CHINA

10. Stay away from everything with Chinese lineage: hopia, siomai, noodles, peking duck, etc. Try to settle for products by other friendly nations.

9. Send the informal settlers, the hardcore-in your face-professional ones, in the disputed land. Let them do their thing in the islands, like they did in ransacking the metropolis. We can ask the mayors for their recommended list!

8. Smart Gilas, our national basketball team should exert an effort to naturalize Mr. Yao Ming. In that case, we can use him to build some animosity among their people. The Chinese media hated his injuries anyway!

7. Make Senator Manny Villar as our special envoy to China and let him lecture their government the proper way of "land grabbing". He can bring his SALN!

6. Being the lone Catholic country in Asia, we can make an appeal to the Vatican for Pope Benedict XVI's support. Make sure all those Chinese would suffer in the "purgatory" if they continue bullying us. Make a prayer rally!

5. We can tap all the insurgents here namely: CPP-NPA, MILF, MNLF, ASG and other organized crime syndicates to be in this war's  front line. If they all demise, somehow peace can be around the corner. Throw the motorcycle riding-in-tandem assassins as well!

4. Appeal to to the United Nations to boycott all products that are made in China so their export industry will plummet and they won't be able to fund an armed conflict. All of them are defective anyway!

3. Convince our greatest ally, the United States of America represented by Pres. Barrack Obama that China has weapons of mass destruction so they will declare a "War on Terror" on them. This will interest the hell out of Uncle Sam!

2. Make a deal to pit Manny Pacquiao against Jet Li in a "boxing" match and whoever wins can lay claim to the disputed land. Ask Bob Arum to be the promoter!

1. Challenge them to a "Dragon Boat" race and whoever comes first to "Panatag Shoal" automatically wins. Nautical miles from respective shores to be taken in consideration! Sponsored by Cobra Energy Drink!